Meggie May

I’ve been working on not letting my emotions rule me. It’s been hard, but I’m finally doing really well with it :) it’s a little too late though. I let my boyfriend down terribly last Sunday and even though it’s been a little over a week, it still bothers me. It really shook him, and that really shakes me. Even though I don’t fully understand, I know I should’ve behaved better. Today should have been an emotional day, but I didn’t let it get to me! So I know if that situation ever occurs again I’ll handle it better. Sometimes I feel weird, but I know he’s right. I just wish I could explain how I feel better. I just wish I could go back and fix everything

I’ve been truly blessed with the most amazing boyfriend. He’s helped me with things nobody has ever helped with, many of which nobody wanted to help with. I went through therapy for anorexia unsuccessfully…until I met him. Now I can’t imagine eating less than 3 meals a day. He’s incredible. And I love being in love with him

For once on Valentines Day, I have a boyfriend. However, he’s 32 hours/ 1500 miles away. He was going to fly here, but that fell through.

I adore this boy more than I’ve ever liked anyone else. We’re perfect together and things couldn’t be better.

But sometimes, it gets so hard. I hate not knowing when I can see him, and when I get to, it’s for 2-3 days. Unless a holiday.

I’m just ready to freakin transfer there already.

I know I chose this relationship and I chose to be in a long distance relationship. That doesn’t mean it makes it easier. I hate seeing couples, especially couples whose relationship is completely superficial but get to see each other whenever. All I want is to see my boyfriend when I went without the use of a webcam.

Yeah didn’t follow the diet at ALL today. I was so happy I was moving back home and school was over I pigged out all day. HOWEVER I did buy vitamins, and took vitamins A, B, C, and D today. What really helped today was concentrating on guilt again.

I concentrated on my Papa. And I found myself yelling. I just kept yelling “why’d you leave me?” and “how could you leave me when nobody else loves me?” and questions like that. And then I realized those are the same questions I asked my Daddy when my parents divorced. I felt guilt because I was scared of the only people that loved me abandoning me. And that’s why I have such a problem with abandonment, loving so hard, and doing too much to make relationships (with boys or friends) work because I’m so afraid of loved ones leaving me. This is why, among other obvious reasons, why I took losing Beth so hard. Now that I’ve realized this, I can start working on it.

Today was a painful day, but I’m feeling much better realizing where some of my emotions come from.

On the bright note, so far I have all B’s in classes I was close to failing and I just need one more grade to determine my GPA. I also have by far the most amazing and perfect boyfriend ever. I honestly don’t think I could do this journey without him.

I was diagnosed very early with endometriosis at an advanced stage for my age. While this isn’t exactly a super rare disease and isn’t terminal, it affects every aspect of my life and has debilitated me for almost 9 years. I take birth control to not have a period because of this, and while that helps, it doesn’t help with the pain, emotions, and other side effects. So I stumbled upon a blog of a girl that has this disease and didn’t respond to any medicine or surgical procedures. She’s doing an all natural treatment plan that she came up with, and it has been VERY successful. I’m attempting to do this, and I’m gonna blog about it to help me along the way :)

Today I tried eating a healthier diet. I’m supposed to cut out primarily meats and breads. And if you know me, I basically only eat breads and meats. So I had eggs for breakfast, a chicken salad for lunch, the rest of the salad and breadsticks for dinner. The breadsticks were definitely not on the diet and I feel really bad about them. I really wanted to throw them up, but my amazing boyfriend talked to me about it. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t cheat, or I realize I can’t change everything completely over night.

Another treatment is for the emotions. I often feel like a freak, very bad about myself, and feel like nobody will understand what I go through, especially any guy. Luckily, my boyfriend is the first guy to try to understand what I’m going through and supports me. This helps so much. However, this doesn’t help me completely. I’m a very stressed person who worries alot and I strive too far for perfection. I learned through this blog that emotions and stress have ALOT to do with the pain I experience. One method to ease this was to concentrate on one emotion, try to find the source, and once it’s identified, find ways to cope with it. Tonight I concentrated on my emotion to have to be perfect. This led me to the emotion of guilt. As I kept digging, I found two main reasons for this. The first was my parents divorce. I realized that I strive for perfection because I felt like if I had been a better daughter my parents would’ve stayed together. Another reason was my Papa’s death. It will be four years on the 17th that he passed. I have had an EXTREMELY hard time with this. I found that I strive for perfection because I feel guilty I didn’t get to really say goodbye, so I take making him proud to a dysfunctional level and feel like if I had been better I could’ve helped more. Both of these beliefs are irrational and I had no control in these situations. Hopefully working to deal with these will help, along with identifying other problems in my insane emotions.

Boys are more than just a different gender, they’re basically a completely separate type of being. I know that everyone hears “girls are soo complicated” or “boys aren’t difficult, what you see is what you get” but the latter is SO NOT TRUE. Boys may not think they’re as complicated as they seem to think girls are, but they are.

So anyway, I’m going to rant about different types of boys I’ve dated, been dumped by, tried to date, or had a weird moment with. Between all of those, I’m pretty sure I’ve been with/met every type of boy there is out there. So today, I’m going to start with the type of boy I’m dealing with now, and most likely, one of the most annoying to deal with: The one who won’t commit.

I met this boy in June, but we have known who each other was for years. We ran in basically the same group, had tons of mutual friends, but he was dating a girl from my school that was an ex best friend. So of course I never pursued that. But this summer, I figured it had been enough time from their breakup for me to add him on facebook. So I did. We talked all the time. I went over there one night and he was SO SWEET. Well, we hung out a few times and he is HOT and GOOD at what he does. Anyway, we quit talking cause he got with a stripper.

I didn’t want to talk to him while he was with her, but of course I gave in. And we actually became friends. We talked all day everyday, and it was nice. Well I started crushing on this foreign boy, (he had since realized that the stripper was crazy and didn’t go for another) and he told me just to come to his place. So I did. And we started back up. He knew I wanted a boyfriend, and we have the same expectations and wants out of relationship. Exactly the same.

Here’s the problem.

Homeboy talks to SO MANY GIRLS. Not even flirting, although I bet he does, but it’s SO ANNOYING. While I was at his house this chick showed up (she’s using his friend to get to him, which he STILL should’ve asked before inviting her) and got pissed at him for having me there, and pissed at me for being there and having an academic life. She was 18, didn’t go to college, and was a waitress. THe stripper was 18 and didn’t go to school. See a pattern?

Well that’s not the only problem. We’ve been told how great we’d be together, and he has even shown he’s accepted how great we’d be together. We both agree on cheating should never happen, which is shocking considering how many girls he talks to. HE JUST WON’T COMMIT TO ME. What’s soo bad about being a boyfriend? I get that he was hurt, but I WAS HURT TOO. I had my heart broken and stomped on in April of this year, but I’m still willing to look for love again.

We talk all day everyday, he helps me with my problems, I’m there for him when he needs to vent, we cuddle for hours when I stay with him, but yet he can’t be my boyfriend. Wtf. And I know the other girls he talks to may quite possibly be thinking the same thing I am.

So why don’t I just ignore him and move on with my life? I don’t know. Cause I’m a girl and have that persistent thought that he’ll realize it soon and we’ll live happily ever after.

I’m soo sure that’ll happen.

Yeah.

To end this post effectively, here’s the basics about he who won’t commit. There’s a great connection, constant conversation, butterflies, and a mutual agreement that things would be great if yall would be together. The problem? He doesn’t want to be tied down/ scared of commitment(which is bullcrap)/he wants to be ready/blah blah. Why don’t you use the balls that you were given and man up and be a boyfriend?